as well as on the failure of all his efforts to trace the suspicious
character who was lost； he returned to London and to England by the
packet that had taken him over。 On the way he unfolded the sheets of
paper； and read in them what is reproduced in the next chapter。
CHAPTER 21。 The History of a Self…Tormentor
I have the misfortune of not being a fool。 From a very early age I have
detected what those about me thought they hid from me。 If I could have
been habitually imposed upon； instead of habitually discerning the
truth； I might have lived as smoothly as most fools do。
My childhood was passed with a grandmother； that is to say； with a lady
who represented that relative to me； and who took that title on herself。
She had no claim to it； but I……being to that extent a little fool……had
no suspicion of her。 She had some children of her own family in her
house； and some children of other people。 All girls； ten in number；
including me。 We all lived together and were educated together。
I must have been about twelve years old when I began to see how
determinedly those girls patronised me。 I was told I was an orphan。
There was no other orphan among us； and I perceived （here was the
first disadvantage of not being a fool） that they conciliated me in an
insolent pity； and in a sense of superiority。 I did not set this down
as a discovery； rashly。 I tried them often。 I could hardly make them
quarrel with me。 When I succeeded with any of them； they were sure to
e after an hour or two； and begin a reconciliation。 I tried them over
and over again； and I never knew them wait for me to begin。 They were
always forgiving me； in their vanity and condescension。 Little images of
grown people！
One of them was my chosen friend。 I loved that stupid mite in a
passionate way that she could no more deserve than I can remember
without feeling ashamed of； though I was but a child。 She had what they
called an amiable temper； an affectionate temper。 She could distribute；
and did distribute pretty looks and smiles to every one among them。 I
believe there was not a soul in the place； except myself； who knew that
she did it purposely to wound and gall me！
Nevertheless； I so loved that unworthy girl that my life was made stormy
by my fondness for her。 I was constantly lectured and disgraced for what
was called 'trying her；' in other words charging her with her little
perfidy and throwing her into tears by showing her that I read her
heart。 However； I loved her faithfully； and one time I went home with
her for the holidays。
She was worse at home than she had been at school。 She had a crowd of
cousins and acquaintances； and we had dances at her house； and went out
to dances at other houses； and； both at home and out； she tormented my
love beyond endurance。 Her plan was； to make them all fond of her……and
so drive me wild with jealousy。 To be familiar and endearing with them
all……and so make me mad with envying them。 When we were left alone in
our bedroom at night； I would reproach her with my perfect knowledge of
her baseness； and then she would cry and cry and say I was cruel； and
then I would hold her in my arms till morning： loving her as much as
ever； and often feeling as if； rather than suffer so； I could so hold
her in my arms and plunge to the bottom of a river……where I would still
hold her after we were both dead。
It came to an end； and I was relieved。 In the family there was an aunt
who was not fond of me。 I doubt if any of the family liked me much； but
I never wanted them to like me； being altogether bound up in the one
girl。 The aunt was a young woman； and she had a serious way with her
eyes of watching me。 She was an audacious woman； and openly looked
passionately at me。 After one of the nights that I have spoken of； I
came down into a greenhouse before breakfast。 Charlotte （the name of
my false young friend） had gone down before me； and I heard this aunt
speaking to her about me as I entered。 I stopped where I was； among the
leaves； and listened。
The aunt said； 'Charlotte； Miss Wade is wearing you to death； and this
must not continue。' I repeat the very words I heard。
Now； what did she answer？ Did she say； 'It is I who am wearing her to
death； I who am keeping her on a rack and am the executioner； yet she
tells me every night that she loves me devotedly； though she knows what
I make her undergo？' No； my first memorable experience was true to
what I knew her to be； and to all my experience。 She began sobbing and
weeping （to secure the aunt's sympathy to herself）； and said； 'Dear
aunt； she has an unhappy temper； other girls at school； besides I； try
hard to make it better； we all try hard。'
Upon that the aunt fondled her； as if she had said something noble
instead of despicable and false； and kept up the infamous pretence by
replying； 'But there are reasonable limits； my dear love； to everything；
and I see that this poor miserable girl causes you more constant and
useless distress than even so good an effort justifies。'
The poor miserable girl came out of her concealment； as you may be
prepared to hear； and said； 'Send me home。' I never said another word
to either of them； or to any of them； but 'Send me home； or I will
walk home alone； night and day！' When I got home； I told my supposed
grandmother that； unless I was sent away to finish my education
somewhere else before that girl came back； or before any one of them
came back； I would burn my sight away by throwing myself into the fire；
rather than I would endure to look at their plotting faces。
I went among young women next； and I found them no better。 Fair
words and fair pretences； but I perated below those assertions of
themselves and depreciations of me； and they were no better。 Before
I left them； I learned that I had no grandmother and no recognised
relation。 I carried the light of that information both into my past
and into my future。 It showed me many new occasions on which people
triumphed over me； when they made a pretence of treating me with
consideration； or doing me a service。
A man of business had a small property in trust for me。 I was to be
a governess； I became a governess； and went into the family of a poor
nobleman； where there were two daughters……little children； but the
parents wished them to grow up； if possible； under one instructress。 The
mother was young and pretty。 From the first； she made a show of behaving
to me with great delicacy。 I kept my resentment to myself； but I knew
very well that it was her way of petting the knowledge that she was my
Mistress； and might have behaved differently to her servant if it had
been her fancy。
I say I did not resent it； nor did I； but I showed her； by not
gratifying her； that I understood her。 When she pressed me to take wine；
I took water。 If there happened to be anything choice at table； she
always sent it to me： but I always declined it； and ate of the rejected
dishes。 These disappointments of her patronage were a sharp retort； and
made me feel independent。
I liked the children。 They were timid； but on the whole disposed to
attach themselves to me。 There was a nurse； however； in the house； a
rosy…faced woman always making an obtrusive pretence of being gay and
good…humoured； who had nursed them both； and who had secured their
affections before I saw them。 I could almost have settled down to my
fate but for this woman。 Her artful devices for keeping herself before
the children in constant petition with me； might have blinded many
in my place； but I saw through them from the first。 On the pretext of
arranging my rooms and waiting on me and taking care of my wardrobe （all
of which she did busily）； she was never absent。 The most crafty of her
many subtleties was her feint of seeking to make the children fonder of
me。 She would lead them to me and coax them to me。 'e to good Miss
Wade； e to dear Miss Wade； e to pretty Miss Wade。 She loves you
very much。 Miss Wade is a clever lady； who has read heaps of books； and
can tell you far better and more interesting stories than I know。 e
and hear Miss Wade！' How could I engage their attentions； when my heart
was burning against these ignorant designs？ How could I wonder； when I
saw their innocent faces shrinking away； and their arms twining round
her neck； instead of mine？ Then she would look up at me； shaking their
curls from her face； and say； 'They'll e round soon； Miss Wade；
they're very simple and loving； ma'am； don't be at all cast down about
it； ma'am'……exulting over me！
There was another thing the woman did。 At times； when she saw that she
had safely plunged me into a black despondent brooding by these means；
she would call the attention of the children to it； and would show them
the difference between herself and me。 'Hush！ Poor Miss Wade is not
well。 Don't make a noise； my dears； her head aches。 e and fort
her。 e and ask her if she is better； e and ask her to lie down。 I
hope you have nothing on your mind； ma'am。 Don't take on； ma'am； and be
sorry！'
It became intolerable。 Her ladyship； my Mistress； ing in one day when
I was alone； and at the height of feeling that I could support it no
longer； I told her I must go。 I c